Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Is something wrong with me?

I broke up with The French Girl.  That actually happened a few weeks ago, I just haven't been able to really blog about it until now.  I've tried laying out a few blog posts on why things didn't work out, but they ultimately don't really work out.

I realized we were going to break up the night I went to go see her in a play.  During intermission, I had two friends come over and sit next to me and chat for a while.  They both asked me how things were going with The French Girl.  When I said "good" with pretty much no emotion attached to it (but had to fake it and then listen to my friends say how much they enjoyed seeing me and The French Girl together), and that got me thinking.  I mean, yeah, it was a good relationship, but I wasn't really excited about it.  There's no particular reason why - just no excitement on my part.

Human emotion is so weird and complicated.  It's like the smallest thing can be completely earth-shattering, and huge things sometimes don't phase me.  I don't know.  That's strange to me.

The biggest reason things didn't work out is that I just wasn't feeling it.  There's nothing wrong with The French Girl at all (aside from being from France).  So that makes me wonder - is something wrong with me?

I mean, she was great.  She's considerate, compassionate, can cook amazingly well, is energetic, talented, intelligent, and is a fantastic kisser (a true master of the French tongue).  But yet I just wasn't feeling all that excited about the relationship.

I guess it's a question that everyone asks their self pretty much constantly - is there something wrong with me?  Am I too big?  Are my muscles not big enough?  Is there a reason I enjoy sitting at home so much while other friends enjoy being outside?  Do people just pretend to like me?  Is my life like the Truman Show?  I've only been in love once.  Am I even capable of the same love I felt when I was 21?  How come no one has been able to completely captivate me the way that she did?  Even before we were dating, she was all I could think about.  Is it unrealistic for me to compare girls to her?  Can anyone ever even compare to that?  Am I doomed to end up with someone that will always be "the second best" in my head?

That's the kind of stuff that scares me.

And cooking.  Cooking scares me.  I don't know why.

I consider myself to be a confident person - often far too confident for my own good.  It's a problem that most people can't really relate to because most of the time, we're insecure bags of hormones that are directly influenced by what we ate for breakfast that morning.  But I honestly think I can do anything ('cept cook.  scares the shit out of me).  And I want someone who believes the same.  I want to be able to come home with a problem, tell her about it, have her grab my hand and say "Don't worry.  We're Us.  And We're awesome" and I want to know that she means it and isn't just saying it because she knows I'll like it.

I want someone who is so amazing that I am torn between making out with her and talking with her because both activities with her are amazing but are mutually exclusive.

So in about a month, I'm going to be faced with a pretty complicated situation.  I haven't really talked about it on this blog because I honestly have no idea what's going to happen.  It's a missionary.  And when I first met her, I actually did feel that captivated feeling.  We didn't date before she left for her mission (which turns out to have been a good thing).  We've written each other nearly every week for a year and a half.  We've agreed to "date" when she comes home, but I'm not entirely sure what that will entail.  I don't know if she's just saying that or if she really means it.  Plus she'll be living several states away, so even if we do somehow end up dating, she'll be far away.

And then I worry about if she really is as great as I remember her, or if I've played her up too much in my head and she's comparatively dull.  I'm excited for her to visit and all that, but I don't know what it's going to be like.  Will it be just like before where we would just hang out for long periods of time and talk?  Or will it be more?  Do I still want it to be more?  I don't even know.  In my current mood (slightly down about nothing in particular), I don't really want to see her.  But on most days I'm pretty excited.

So I'll keep you updated on that front.  Her name is Chloe.  She doesn't get a clever code name or anything like that.  She's just Chloe.  And she comes home in 29 days, 8 hours, 51 minutes and 8 seconds.

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