Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Teh Footure

My future is uncertain, that's for certain.

With my recent decision to graduate from SVU in December and become a chiropractor, my life has been taking some interesting twists.  (btw, I decided to graduate in December and become a chiropractor instead of a lawyer).  Basically, I don't know what the $#@! I'm doing in the coming months.  Go the school until December, sure, but I still need to get my science prereqs done before going into chiropractic school.  I'm not doing my prereqs at SVU because I can do 6-week courses for 1/4 of the money elsewhere.

So after this summer, I go back to school.  I only need to take like 8 credits to graduate, so I'm only signed up for 8 credits.  I would love to take a science class or two to get a head start on things (since I'm going to be at SVU anyway) but it turns out it's impossible to take Statistics and Chemistry or Biology at the same time.  What are the odds? (ba-dum CHHH).  Seriously, though, it makes me a little angry that I can't do that.

And then I remember that I'm only taking 8 credits next semester.

So what do I do instead of taking that extra 10 credits that I usually try to do?  Nothing.  I plan on doing nothing.  It's no secret that I enjoy my leisure time (the only thing I love more than sitting and doing nothing is getting some).  When sloths have downtime or are being lazy, they call it being "Brandonful".  True story.  Look it up.

Just kidding.  Don't look that up.  Humans don't speak Sloth, so we don't really know what they call it.  But maybe I can build a robot that can speak Sloth.  Then I'll let you know what he says.

UPDATE:  Yup.  They call it being Brandonful.  Told you.

Back to the issue at hand:  Nothing.  I plan on doing lots of it.

Lots of people would say that it's bittersweet that they're leaving a place they love.  It's mainly just sweet for me (or if you like bitter things more, then go ahead and change that "sweet" to a "bitter").  I love SVU and all, but I've outgrown it.  It's time to move on with my life.  I've had my fun and it's a part of my life that I'll love forever, but I have other things I need to get done.  I'll enjoy my last 4 months there, and then I'll move on to bigger ponds.  Maybe one day, I'll graduate to the ocean.  I hear it's a whimsical place full of fish large enough to eat men named Jonah.

So what do I do with my last 4 months at SVU?

Nothing.  We've covered this, damn it.  You should know the answer by now.

My decision to leave loosens up the dating noose.  I don't have to worry about finding a long-lasting relationship because I'll only be around for a few months.  Unless something absolutely magical happens (like in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days), I'm not going to be finding The One while at SVU.  That means I get to date for funzies again, which will be nice.  Most likely, I just won't date.  My experience has been that dating is more painful than pleasurable.  That's not to say that I'm all cynical about it, it just means that the risk/return ratio hasn't been stacked in my favor in the past.  I fully believe that I'll be happy with someone for the rest of my life.  She just probably won't be anyone I meet between now and December.  Unless it's Paige.  I'd drop all life plans to take a swing at that.  Man, that girl is awesome.

In Shenanigans, we have three rules for missing practice.  Pay attention, because this will be the source of many future jokes.  I'm letting you in on our secret lingo:

A Shenanigan may miss practice for the following reasons:
1.  Illness
2.  School event (homework does not fall in this category)
3.  Gettin' some

If any of the above reasons apply, all the Shenanigan needs to do is text everyone with the number they wish to invoke.  We almost never use the first two.  Number Three, however, is where I'd like to direct your attention.

We, at Shenanigans, respect 3 very much.  It's to the point where we refer to making out or anything of that nature simply as "3".  We'll often yell it and throw our hands up in the air like they do in basketball when a player shoots a 3-point shot ("THREEEEEE!!").  We even text it to each other when we're not having practice.  I get regular texts from Kelan and his wife that are nothing more than "3"s and smileys.  When Brennon was dating Caitlin, it wasn't uncommon to get a 3 text.  When Eric was engaged to The Bitch, he invoked 3 several times.  It's a beautiful thing and has become a great inside joke (which I have just shared).  We've even started working on a TV show called "The Number Three".  That's how good we think it is.

There is one catch, though.  If you text 3, you also have to be willing to give your current location.  This is to protect against 3 abuse.  There has only been once in Shenanigan history that we felt it was necessary to track down a Shenanigan and check to see if 3 really was occurring.  You can all rest easy knowing that not only was Lauren getting some, but she is now pregnant.  Congratulations, Lauren!  SO proud of you!

Since we never have to track down a Shenanigan, The Boys (Eric, Brennon, Brandon) decided we'd have somewhat of a drill.  Our last night together, I realized that I hadn't driven anyone up to the parkway the entire semester.  That was something that had to change.  I didn't care if it was a female or two dudes - it just had to happen.  So we went up to the parkway.  Halfway up there, we somehow collectively came to the conclusion that we were going to harass whatever couple was making out up there.  It was pretty safe to assume that there would be at least one couple up there considering it was the middle of finals week.  So the three of us got into Kuto (my car) and drove up to the parkway.

I'm not sure I've ever shared my deep feelings for my car, but I'll go ahead and do it now:  I love my car.  She's perfect.  Everything about her.  Especially her sound system...

So we get up to the parkway, turn left, and turn off at the first turnoff.  Sure enough, there's a truck parked there.  We pull up about 10 meters from it and stop the car.  Eric and Brennon watched the truck for a few minutes before seeing that there were two people in the bed of the truck and that one of them had just checked their phone.

Perfect.  Time to help a fellow 3-er out.

I went through my iPod for a few seconds and came across the perfect mood song for the occasion (one that I had decided to sync onto my iPod for no real reason earlier that day), cranked up my sound system as loud as our ears could possibly stand it, and sat and listened and laughed.  The goal was the create the perfect atmosphere for our newly-formed parkway friends.  We only wanted to assist in the 3.

Go ahead and imagine that you've been with your boyfriend for about six months.  You love each other very much and all your friends think you two are absolutely adorable together.  He's a good kid, and your parents like him a lot.  He's tall, blonde, plays on the baseball team, maybe he's a biology major.  He wants to be a doctor.  He's destined for success.  You are absolutely smitten and can barely contain your affection when you see him.  You're with your boyfriend for the last night before you both go home for the summer and don't see each other for a few months.  You're not entirely sure if you'll be able to stay together through the distance because you've seen what distance can do to a relationship.  So you're up at the parkway, whispering into each other's ears how much you love each other and how much you're going to miss each other.  He keeps saying really poetic things that make your heart flutter as you hang on to his every word.  Another car pulls up - a minor annoyance, but something you can ignore.  The interruption makes you both realize that you've lost track of time, so your boyfriend checks his phone.  It's ok.  You still have plenty of time before you need to be in bed.  He goes back to whispering how much he cares about you in your ear and you're all smiles as he talks a bit about his future plans for you both.  You continue doing your business and start to forget the other car is there.  Then, in the least subtle way possible, this comes on, loud enough that it completely drowns out everything - including him whispering in your ear:

The other couple wasn't amused.

I still chuckle when I think about it.

Monday, May 9, 2011

The State of Things

Dating Status:  Single
Location:  California
Occupation:  Salesman
Amount of Time in California:  4 months
Number of Friends:  0
Majority of Time Spent:  Videogames
Number of Adorable Nieces:  2

That pretty much catches us up.

After spending a few days driving across the country, I've come to realize one thing:  I'm really good at thinking about stuff.  Me, being the single man that I am, spent most of my free time thinking about members of the opposite gender.  There really isn't a foreseeable future with any of the girls I currently know.  I'll give it a quick rundown for you:

There is something about married women that attracts me.  I don't know if it's because they're married, or if it's because I would normally find them attractive but they just happen to be married.  I also have a strong history of dating girls that are just a little older than me.  When we combine the two together, it's a deadly cocktail.  There's one girl especially that I've had to stop being around.  We'll just say that we had two hugely awkward moments that made me decide that it was best to pretend like she doesn't exist.  It wasn't anything like we almost did it or anything like that.  It was just... awkward moments.  I dunno.  It's hard to explain without going into too much detail about it (something that I would do if she weren't married, but she is, so I'll leave it alone).  So yeah... being married definitely takes you out of the running (but puts you in it at the same time).  And she's not the only married one that I find attractive. She's just one of the married ones that I've decided to ignore, so you get to hear about it.  Her husband's a good enough guy.

Moving away from the married realm:

There is one girl, especially, that I am EXTREMELY interested in.  We'll go ahead and call her Paige (not her real name, I assure you).  I've wanted to ask Paige out for almost a year, now.  I met her at her place when I was at a friend's birthday party.  At the time, I was in my weird dating/friend state with Sara 2.0, so I couldn't (in good conscience) pursue her.  Looking back on it, that was a mistake.  Paige, from what I can tell, represents basically everything that I want in a girl.  She's just an impressive person. Everything about her intrigues me.  She's quietly cute, very active, extremely intelligent, and friendly to everyone.  Her smile is adorable and her eyes are captivating.  Her hair is dark and her skin is fair.  She's driven and determined to have success.  No one person has too much information about her (I don't know why that's a notch in the "good" column, but it is).  I have yet to hear a bad thing about her (and that's a big deal at SVU).  There's only one downside:

She has a boyfriend.

Now, I don't know how serious things are with her boyfriend.  I'm not sure how long they've been dating (just checked Facebook - since November).  I don't know where things are headed.  Judging by her age (I think she's a year older than me), and assuming that his age is about the same, it's pretty safe to say that things are headed towards marriage.  Which is sad, because I think I'm a better match for her.  I've never met the guy.  That's how confident I am in myself.  My confidence gets me into a lot of trouble.  Her boyfriend is away somewhere doing something (military, maybe?), so maybe the distance will get to them.  The problem is that I'm here in California and I'm pretty sure she's in Virginia still, so it's not like distance is on my side.

So I guess the only thing I can really do is stand in the sidelines and wait for the guy to screw things up.  Will he?  I dunno, I hope so.  Am I going to continue inviting her along to hang out with me and my friends and pretend that I don't know she has a boyfriend?  You betcha.  I haven't exactly been subtle about my intentions, but she continues to talk to me and stuff.  Is it all show?  I hope not.  I like her.

So that's Paige.

And now it's time for bed.  We'll continue this conversation later.