Wednesday, December 21, 2011

My Romantic Resume

If you couldn't tell from my spike in negativity towards the female gender over Facebook and a little on this blog, you could probably gather that I recently (several weeks ago) got dumped.

Now, when I say dumped, I don't mean like dumped dumped.  We weren't actually dating (we were really more like each others' dirty little secret).  But things were headed that way.  Things such as cuddling in the backseat of a car on the parkway, talking until 4am, confessing that we have strong feelings for each other, and making out in various locations in my bedroom led me to believe things might be going somewhere (plus she said so).  So it confused me when she changed her mind a few days later (after insultingly avoiding me over the course of those few days while simultaneously telling me that we were going to hang out).  I'm fine with rejection - that doesn't bother me.  It's letting myself be led on that bothers me.  I'm smarter than that.  I'm better than that.

I've started a few different blog posts trying to be all angry and stuff at her, but nothing has come from them.  You see, I lie to people a lot - her included - but I also promised myself that with her, I would be as truthful as possible, and also admit the truth when I caught myself lying.  It's not perfect, but it's as close as I can get right now (while constantly improving).  So me writing a dramatic, angry blog post would be lying.  I don't hate her and I'm not angry.  I think she's great.  I don't know her reason for not wanting me.  I assume it's a bad one because if it were a good one, she would have told me and I would have changed it.  But again, the rejection in and of itself doesn't bother me - that's dating.  It's me being led on that really bothers me.

Our friendship is irreversibly damaged.  Without some kind of vulnerability from her (something I'm not sure she's capable of), things will never be the same.  Which is sad, but it's kind of how these things work.

So then I made a list of how awesome I am and why girls should like me.  I suppose you could consider this a resume.  If you happen to read this and are like, "Wow, he sounds like a great guy!  I want to date him!", feel free to leave a comment or send me an email or something like that.  I don't care if you're local, foreign, fat, skinny, hot, ugly, or even female.  Just do it.

  • I'm by far the most respectful man you'll ever date.
    • "No" means "no".  The second you even think it, I'm apologizing and driving you home.  I understand that sometimes it really does mean "try harder", but I'd rather play it safe.
    • I'm not going in for the kiss unless I really do want to communicate to you that I like you.  It wasn't always like that, but I've found that dating is a lot more fun when things are done that way.
  • I'm good-looking.
    • In recent months I may have gained a little weight (it happens when you do nothing with your time), but when we subtract that, I am very, very good-looking.
  • I'm smart.
    • I amaze myself at my capacity to quickly learn things and retain them indefinitely.  I often show it off to people, too.  I remember facts and small details about insignificant things that happened ten years ago.  Chances are very high that if we've met, I can recall the exact conversation (line by line), where we were, what you were wearing, what I was thinking when I was reading your facial expressions, etc.
  • Parents love me.
    • Seriously.
  • I'm funny.
    • I can make anyone laugh.  That's a promise.
  • I'm charming.
    • When I want to be.   I know exactly what to do and say to really charm a girl over.  It's something that I've toned down in recent years (you know - with great power comes great responsibility...), but when I open the gate even just a little, you can physically hear the swooning.
  • I'm an amazing kisser.
    • I'll show you!
  • I'm determined.
    • When I want something, I get it - even if it takes several years.
  • I play piano.
    • And I play it well.  I am more than willing to sit and play for you all day long.  I'll even teach you (but I'll do a crappy job so that I can justify touching your hands lots of times).
  • My family is freaking awesome.
    • Every single one of them - nuclear and extended.  I'm not exaggerating even a little bit.
  • I'm good at pretty much everything.
    • Sports, artsy stuff, work, etc.
  • I'm gonna make a ton of money.
    • Once this whole school thing decides to end for me.  I come from a pretty wealthy background, so the odds are highly stacked in my favor.
  • I enjoy giving massages.
    • Back massages, calf massages, foot massages, etc.  I like it.  Feet don't bother me at all.  I actually plan on making a career out of it.
  • You will feel safe in my arms.
    • That's a promise.
  • I will make you feel like the most special person on the planet.
    • I'll encourage you to do things that you would never otherwise think yourself capable of doing.  I'll be your biggest fan.  I'll always be there when you feel discouraged or not worthy.  I'll listen to anything you have to say.  I'll show you that I care about you in the exact way that you like it. I'll always drop what I'm doing for you.  I'll always be available to you - both emotionally and physically.  I'll always be thinking of what would make you the most happy.
  • I'm way more of a "giver" than a "taker".


    1. Brandon... I am a happily married woman and you made me swoon! hahah I hope you do find someone that is in every way perfect for you and treats you as awesome as you treat her. I know you treat all your friends wonderfully. So I know you will treat her amazing!! miss ya!

    2. Oh BLee. I'm glad to call you my friend :) You'll get her.