Thursday, October 6, 2011

Conversations with real people in the library

I just saw a TV show where a girl was blogging and I was like "Hmm, yes.  That sounds nice."  Then she got beat by her husband.

The semester is well underway and my 6 credits are doing fine.  It's surprising how taking fewer classes actually makes it easier for me to fall behind (laziness gets kicked into hyperdrive).  But all I need to do to catch up is spend a day in the library.  I used to budget 3 days a week in the library until at least 6 o'clock.  Now it only takes me like 45 minutes to do everything I need to do.  What do I do with my extra free time?

Watch people.

And play video games.  But watching people is mostly what this blog post is about.

I tried getting a job (and by 'tried', i mean that i got a job, but then quit because i decided that pounding nails through the more sensitive parts of my body was better... not that i do that.  it's just a hypothetical to emphasize how much i hated the job).  So I quit my job right after training (i got to sit around and do nothing for like a week and get paid for it.  yes please!)

So I spend lots of time people-watching.

The SVU library is unique from any other library that I've been to.  In other libraries, you speak quietly and you leave people alone when they're trying to get work done.  If you're talking too loudly, you get shushed.  When you're looking for a book, a friendly (and often sexy) librarian checks with you and asks if you're finding everything alright (like they do in a grocery store - it always makes me feel uncomfortable).  In normal libraries, they have lines of tables where you can comfortably fit 4 people (who leave each other alone while studying).  In other libraries, they have entire sections devoted to things like Asian Studies and other useless (but strangely interesting) subjects.

Not the SVU library, no.  Here, we speak in full volume.  Librarians stay behind their desks and get annoyed if you ask for help.  If you're looking to meet new people, you come here.  Loud conversation is the norm and those that shush get shushed (madness!!).  On top of that, instead of rows of tables, we have couches everywhere.  Not joking.  Couches EVERYWHERE.  It reminds me of the beds in my house (we have beds everywhere - you know... just in case).  It isn't uncommon to see couples who are... um... 'occupying' the couches (and involved in a rigorous game of tonsil hockey).  And I'm not talking about teenage couples who are all high on uncontrollable hormones or anything like that.  I'm talking about married couples in their mid 20's going at it - oblivious and thinking they're invisible like an ostrich with its head in the sand (but the ostrich is making out with something... or something like that.  i'm sorry, i really need to work on my similes).  It's like other people don't exist.  And if they do, "why on earth are they watching us make out?  Creepers be creeping when we're sitting on the most accessible couch in a public library mimicking a mamma bird feeding its young (nailed it)."

But those entertaining things aren't the highlight of my weekly (and brief) visit to the library.  It's the conversations that really amuse me.  And with rare exception (me), these aren't conversations with imaginary people.  These are full-blown and often extremely serious, life-altering, potentially embarrassing conversations about any topic you can fathom - ranging from talks about personal hygiene to couples having DTRs at full volume (Define the Relationship, in case you didn't catch that.  abbreviations are cool).

I'm not joking when I say that I watched a couple get engaged in the library once.  I'm also not joking when I say that I saw them break up two weeks later in the library.  Now the girl is married to another guy, and they're always going at it like baboons in front of school children at the zoo.


The last time I was in the library, I decided that instead of doing (wretched) statistics homework, I'd sit in the acoustic sweet-spot (where you can hear everything) and write down every odd comment or conversation that I heard.  Here are some precious and choice entries from this last week (and my parenthesis commentary, as usual):

"He's like a brother to me.  A brother that I sometimes like to cuddle with and make out with sometimes because I'm emotional and on my period."  (firstly - redundant 'sometimes' is redundant.  secondly - ew)

"When guys go bald, does that mean they lose hair in other places too?"  (severe misunderstanding of male anatomy)

"Today I totally had a ninja moment!  I dropped my keys and I caught them before they hit the ground!  Everyone around me was like 'whoa'!"  (you're so special!)

"There's that guy who sniffs random strangers!" (most likely referring to me.  long story)

"The black one downstairs?  That one's nice and easily accessible, but I think the one in main hall by the back entrance is bigger and more pressurized." (drinking fountains, maybe?)

(on the phone) "Mom, I'm really really sorry!  Please don't be mad!  I had fast food last night!  I'm sooooooo sorry!"

"He said he won't date me anymore because I'm crazy and I remind him of his sister.  I think he only likes pretty girls."  (nooooo.  if i were to venture a guess, i'd say that he just doesn't like crazy girls who remind him of his sister... but i'm reading between the lines on that one)

"Now if you divide by Y, you get... eff."  (get it?  x/y = F?  get it?  Get It?  shut up, it's funny)

"I've done these physics problems like a dozen times and looked up the answers, but I still can't get the answers!!"  (have you tried looking up the answers?)

"I want to be pregnant, but I don't want to have a baby.  Is that weird?"  (yes)

"Have you ever smelled your tampon after using it?  It smells surprisingly good!"  (*hurl*)

"What happens when Pinocchio says 'my nose will now grow'"?  (you idiot!  it's obvious that it would... well... um... actually, that's a good question)

"Do you pee in the shower?"  (well yeah.  it's hard not to when you're taking a shit)


  1. Your response to the last quote made me laugh out loud. A lot.

  2. I still laugh when I read it and I'm the one that thought of it.

  3. I love the Pinocchio loophole. My guess is the world will end.

    Fickle Cattle