Sunday, September 18, 2011

Blank Slate Concept

So it's been a while.  I've been keeping busy.  I'll give you a quick recap on the last month or so:

1.  A month ago, I was blind and couldn't walk.  Not joking, and only exaggerating a little bit.  After a trip to the emergency room, I was diagnosed with a sort-of rare kind of vertigo.  I can now see and walk, but sometimes the earth suddenly shifts and I'm the only one that can feel it.  I've been prescribed anti-dizzy medication (which I think is just anti-histamine on speed; mind you, not anti-histamine with speed - on speed.  with speed would be a totally different story), but it makes it nigh impossible to pee and I can't stand and salute (if you know what I mean), so I don't take it.

Highlights of my $4200 emergency room visit include the super hot nurse (and seeing down her shirt being the first thing I saw when my sight came back - there is a God), the picture my niece drew for me (green squiggles), and the fact that all the nurses were placing bets on what was wrong with me because (aside from sight and walking) I was completely and totally healthy in every way.

So now my vision sometimes goes a little blurry and I stumble.  I can live with that.

2.  My boss fired me because I couldn't see or walk.  He is also my brother-in-law.  He's also an asshole.

3.  The drive from Oakland to Buena Vista is normally done in 4 days.  I did it in 2 1/2.  After getting to Utah, I stayed at my parents' place.  The next morning, I picked up my friend Christina, and we drove to BV without stopping ('cept food and gas).  We switched turns sleeping and driving.  It was absolutely wretched and I hope to never do it again.  The highlight of the trip was not being able to cross the Missouri river because it was flooded, so we decided to just drive around it.  Think about it.

4.  I've lost like 25 pounds since the beginning of summer.  My goal is to get myself down to my Dominican weight.  Only 10 to go.

5.  Now I'm at school and I'm only taking 6 credits, so I have lots of time to think and stuff.  It's nice because I only need to budget 1 library day a week, rather than 3.  And that 1 library day only really lasts for 45 minutes, rather than 3-4 hours.

Today while in the shower (like 10 minutes ago), I came up with a thought that I have never thunk before (hehe).  It's the Blank Slate Concept.  First, I'll explain the back story to it:

I live in a different place this year.  A much cleaner, nicer, carpeted, amazing, huge, less Pentecostal house.  I have 3 housemates.  One of them, Brady, is a guy that I've known for like 6 years.  Brady was here over the summer.  During the summer, Brady and Sara 2.0 discovered each other (and Brennon was mad at Brady for dating her - a fact that I found humorous.  if you don't know why, read back a couple posts).  They dated.  When I heard, I knew that it was only going to be a summer thing.

At SVU during the summer, you become friends with people that you wouldn't normally be friends with.  When the new semester starts, you leave your summer friends and never talk to them again.  I just extended that social fact to dating and I was right.  Except that Brady and Sara 2.0 each have emotional dependency problems, so they're having a tough time fully letting go.  Basically, Sara 2.0 still wants it and believes she's in love (she's not) and Brady says they're friends but treats her like a girlfriend.  It's such an interesting situation that I'm writing a song (and a blog post) about it.  Sara 2.0 stays the night sometimes, but has her own bed (oh yeah, we just have random beds everywhere in our house - like as furniture) in the kitchen.  At first I was a little weirded out by it, but I've gotten used to it.  Sara 2.0 and Brady are still around each other all the time, but not in a relationship kind of way.  It's a stupid situation and Sara 2.0 realizes it, but still rolls with it (she's starting to come around, though, and has been actively keeping herself from being around him the last few days).

I am very familiar with this scenario.  I've been on Brady's side many many times.

So now I spend lots of time around Sara 2.0 - the girl that I (kind of) dated a year ago.  Basically, she uses me as an excuse to come over, and then leaves and hangs out with Brady when he comes home.  If he doesn't notice her, she starts flirting with me hardcore until he notices and gets jealous, then she goes and hangs out with him.

Is it weird?  Sometimes (and my 'sometimes', I mean 'hell yes').  Is it bringing up past feelings?  Not really (I still care about her as slightly-more-than-a-friend [as I do about most of my exes], but not enough to ever want to be in a relationship with her - a stance that I shared with her last night).  Much to my initial dismay (and mostly because I thought her friends would always be over here too and I hate them), we have decided to become friends again.  We most likely wouldn't be actual friends if she weren't over here all the time trying to win Brady back (but I don't tell her that).  It's a way for me to be informed and interested in the situation without actually stepping in and asking questions.  And I like knowing everything.

I'm actually impressed with how she's changed over the last year.  She's matured the equivalent of 3 years in 1.  So that means that instead of being 16, she's now 19 (and still has 1 year to go to catch up to her actual age).

Since she's not quite the same person, we will now call her Sara 2.1.

Her and I have talked a lot about how we used to (kind of) date and what we were each thinking when that was going on.  It was interesting to hear her thoughts on the matter.  Basically, she admits that she was stupid and totally into her friends, but also wasn't sure she wanted a relationship with me - all views that I also had.  We've clarified that we do not want to be in a relationship with each other, but do enjoy being around each other and flirting and cuddling and all that.  It's basically a friends+ arrangement.  She's still as cute as ever and can still make me laugh, and there's something about her that makes me feel calm when she's around, but my experiences with her tell me that being in a relationship with her feels like trying to inflate a tire with a big hole in it.

Then I came up with the Blank Slate Concept.

How would I react if Sara 2.1 were herself, but a different person?

Ok, that's kind of confusing, so let me try again:  What if you completely erased my memory of her - all my experiences and thoughts and and knowledge and all that - and then I were to meet her (Think Eternal Sunshine).  What would I think of her?  My opinion of her would likely be entirely different.

Hold on, there's a girl in my house that sounds like she's completely shitfaced and it's a Sunday afternoon.  I must look into this.  (where are my pants?)

It was exactly who I thought it was.  I love knowing everything.

K, back to Blank Slate Concept.

What if I were to meet her now instead of a year ago?  Would I still find her attractive (probably)?  Would I try to date her all over again (probably)?  Would it last this time (I don't know - maybe)?

Then I extended this concept to all of my friends.  Would I even be friends with some of my friends if I met them for the first time just yesterday?  Would I be better friends with them if I met them just yesterday?  Would I be super attracted to some of the girls I'm friends with?  Would I try to date them?  It's a super interesting concept to me and I really want to sit down with someone and just talk about what we would think of each other if we were to Blank Slate, but the problem is that it's such a potentially uncomfortable conversation that it will likely never happen.  I've only met one person that I can think of that could possibly handle such a conversation, and she's Canadian.

But think about it.  How would you treat someone that you're close with if you met them for just the first time right now?  Would you even pay attention to them or realize that they're there?  Would you fall in love with them?

Then I started thinking in 4D and it made my brain hurt.

1 comment:

  1. okay... So in thinking about this in reference to you and me (which wasn't ever a thing, thank heavens) and being friends(which I'm very glad we were)I'm not really sure we'd be friends now. But that's just because of proximity and a divergence of interests. Now if you lived nearby and I was still in school... I'd probably still invite you over for dinner and allow you to corrupt my (future) children.