Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Love and War

Despite what a lot of people think of me, I'm actually really slow to anger.  I often shout idle threats at my friends at the top of my voice, but they know I'm joking.

For example, Brennon from Shenanigans has been technology-dating Sara 2.0 recently (Skype, text, etc. they've only seen each other once IRL).  Does that make me uncomfortable?  Yes.  Does it piss me off?  Not yet.  What if they end up dating?  It'll definitely be weird for me and I won't be around as much as a result, but he's a big boy and he can do what he wants.  Plus, if I were in his position, I'd completely ignore his feelings on the matter and date the girl.  I've learned from bad experience that the one that violates social rules is the one that ends up with the girl - a sentiment that I now try to copy in my own life.

Anyway, when I first heard that Brennon was hitting on Sarah, I immediately shot him a text that said, "If you date her, I will rip off your head and shit down your throat.  You understand me?"

Whoa, Brandon.  That's harsh.

Not really.

Remember that thing I said earlier about shouting idle threats at my friends?  That was one of those threats and Brennon knew it.  He got a good laugh from the vivid image.  I then asked how his summer was going and how we need to work on our TV show and stuff.  Then I said that it would be weird for me if he dated her and that was it.

I've decided to stop telling him that it's a bad idea.  I've found that when I warn people that something is a bad idea, they're more likely to do it.

I always yell that I'm gonna strangle people with my shoelace or kick them so hard their balls will fly out of their mouth.  I think it's funny and most people that I know agree.  Some don't, but they're a different story.

The exception to this rule is if I talk about stabbing you in a non-lethal part of the body.  Sometimes those are serious and you should probably get your tourniquet ready just in case.  Don't worry, I'll help you after you're good and stabbed.  But if it's a lethal threat, you're operating in the green.

So how do you know if I'm actually angry?

If I stay quiet after hearing bad news or say something quietly and very direct like "go to hell" then you know that I'm bothered or angry.  I usually get up and leave.  Sometimes it's because I want to go be alone.  Sometimes it's because I don't actually want to kill whoever is present.  Sometimes it's hard to make a good exit because you never know when bad news is going to happen.

For example, when I'm at Brennon's house, I always lose stuff.  When it's time for me to go, I always have to do an 8-minute search for either my keys, my phone, or my mouse.  I usually end up finding them in the wrong pocket in my bag or something stupid like that.  The point is that if Brennon dating Sarah did actually piss me off, making a clean and dramatic exit is basically out of the question unless I'm ready with my shoes on and my stuff packed in my bag at all times.  I could do that, but living your life like you're constantly waiting for bad news just doesn't sound appealing to me.

So there we have it.  Loud graphic threats = everything is fine.  Quiet direct comments = heads up.

So yeah.  Brennon is definitely violating some bro rules on this one, but I would too if I were him.  I just think it's funny that he spent so much time telling me that she's dumb and that I can do so much better, and then he turns around and hits on her.

But hey, all's fair...

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