Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What Asking a Girl Out Really Entails: Part 1

I don't think girls fully understand what kind of emotional turmoil a man puts himself through in order to secure a date.  It's fine if you have a girlfriend or whatever, but for the first 2 or 3 dates, asking is, as they say, a total bitch.  I'm gonna go ahead and tell you what it's like in an attempt to spread dude-awareness through the female gender (because I'm pretty sure that everyone except for one person that reads this is female).

These are all rules and steps that I have violated at some point.  Some of them are fairly recently.

Pre Step 1:  Determining if She is Interested

It doesn't matter.  You'll find out soon enough.  Look for things like smiling and eye contact.  If she says yes to a date, she's interested.  Maybe not as interested as you are, but still interested.  Watch Hitch, you'll learn all about it.  Don't stress about it because you'll never know.  Girls are tricky creatures.

Step 1:  Get the Phone Number

In the world of Facebook, it's tempting to skip this step and get right to the calling.  I warn against this.  This communicates a lack of confidence and is a little creepy in a lot of situations (which I think is silly because people are willfully posting information about themselves.  It's like saying reading an autobiography is creepy).

I recently got made fun of for asking a girl (whose phone number I already had) if I could call her up sometime and ask her on a date over Facebook.  She straight-up made fun of me and laughed at me.  Then said yes (well, she said "fine" which means the same thing as "yes" but a little more annoyed).  So if you want to save yourself a little humiliation, I suggest not doing that.  I sure hope she reads this, now.

Don't get her number from one of her friends.  Involving her friends in this is dangerous.  One of them is bound to go and tell her that you're asking around, and that's creepy.  Also, one of them will most likely develop a crush on you at the exact moment that you're about to launch your carefully-schemed campaign, which will absolutely destroy any chance you have of getting with your primary target.  Trust me.  Truuuuuuusssst me.  Don't involve her friends.  Involving her friends is like putting saran wrap over the toilet seat - you don't hit your goal and you just end up making a mess of things. 

There's a certain balance you want to keep during this entire process.  You want to maximize personal attractiveness and minimize creepiness (similar to the tool that men use for women.)  If attractiveness is too low, they walk away.  If creepiness is too high, they run away.  Both leave you dateless and embarrassed.  Then you're stuck hanging out with JJ on weekend nights, complaining about how girls have ruined your life, and listening to pulseless music.

Step 1.1:  Maximize Attractiveness

We'll start with personal attractiveness.  Girls often complain that guys don't have to be good looking to attract the opposite gender (which is true to a point, I guess, but working out definitely helps) and call it a double-standard.  

They fail to see the flipside.  Guys have to have interesting personalities to get dates.  In my opinion, a personality is a lot harder to form than your hair, but that's just me.  You have to know what your personality is.

Confidence is your #1 tool.  Even if you don't have it, you'd better pretend you have it because it is what separates attractiveness and creepiness.  You're allowed to be nervous.  There's nothing wrong with that, and you can even let them know that you're a little nervous, but you can't let the nervousness take over.

Think about it, girls.  A guy confidently gives you a rose, makes eye contact with you and smiles, showing his teeth, stands up straight with his shoulders squared towards you while he smoothly strikes up a conversation about anything.  

Now let's take away the confidence.  

A guy awkwardly gives you a rose, stares at your feet, compliments you on something lame like your shoelaces, then stands while slouching, turned to the side with his arms folded behind his back, and waits for you to say something to which he has no response.

Guys - don't be that dude.  Very few men in the history of dudes have been able to do that and be successful.

Once you have even a little bit of confidence, you're ready to move on.

Girls are willing to overlook any physical shortcomings you have.  If you're short and scrawny, it's not as big of a deal as you think it is.  Most girls will say they prefer their man to be bigger than them, but it's not a deal breaker.  If you're bald, embrace it.  Don't try and cover that up.  People know you're bald, but they recognize that you don't want to accept it.  It leads back to the confidence thing.  You know when you look at some other guy and say to yourself, "Wow... terrible combover."  You too, pal.  You too.

Remember, while the information below is useful in all dating situations, you're after the phone number right now.  You often won't have time to prepare for the encounter.

The physical parts that girls DO care about are the things that you have daily control over (hair, stubble, clothes, smell, etc).  I can't help you here.  You have to work whatever is your style.

(At the very least, make sure you don't smell like poo.  Few things turn girls off faster than the smell of poo.  Truuuuuuust me.)

If you try to mimic another man's style, that's creepy.  Imagine that time you heard someone tell a funny a joke, so you went off and told other people the same joke but they didn't laugh - they just stared at you like you were a weirdo.  Same idea.  It didn't work because it wasn't your joke.  Don't try and copy another dude that's totally different from you unless you want your creepy score to skyrocket.  We're trying to avoid devastating humiliation, so don't stomp on your own foot by trying to make it look like another dude's (...or something like that).

Here's my personal style - The girl already knows herself (presumably).  She wants to hear about me, but she wants to think that I want to hear about her (silly girls).  I ask lots of questions and when she gives the answer, I either say, "me too" or, "that's kind of like..." (any way you slice it, we have everything in common and she thinks that I totally understand her).  That way, I'm communicating that I'm interested in her, but she's getting to know me.  Tricky, I know.  It comes with practice.  Every girl says that we have a lot in common.  We often don't.  That's beside the point, plus I'm feeling like I'm shooting myself in some other guy's foot for posting this (...or something like that).

Get yourself some cologne.  It doesn't really matter what it smells like.  College girls don't know the difference between expensive and cheap cologne.  As long as it doesn't smell like Sex Panther or poo, you'll be fine.  I personally use Romance Silver by Ralph Lauren mainly because I like the name.  If you can't afford cologne, just make sure you don't smell bad (read: poo).

Step 1.2:  Minimize Creepiness

It's really all about the confidence.  Give compliments like you mean them, even if you don't (but I suggest sticking to compliments you mean, otherwise she's going to keep doing her hair in that weird way and you'll be stuck with it forever).  Smile.  Hold eye contact.  Turn towards them when you're talking to them.  Keep your posture.  Constantly remind yourself to not glance at their boobs while they're looking at you.  Your goal is to communicate that you are interested in them without directly saying it.  Take it easy, though.  You're after the phone number.  Don't go all-out right away.  Your goal is relatively minor compared to what you're up against in the near future.  

Step 1.3:  Asking for the Phone Number

Again, this goes back to personal style.  It's an awkward situation for both of you.  Remember that.  She feels weird and so do you.  

I don't try to cover up the fact that it's awkward.  My normal phrase goes something like this, "So hey, do you think I could get your phone number?  Maybe call you up sometime and we can go do something?"  It fits the awkward mood, but it gets the job done.

If she asks any further questions, like what we would go do, that's when I let them know I'm a little nervous.  I say something to the effect of, "You know, I haven't really thought this through beyond this point."  They normally laugh a little, then give me the phone number.

As long as she doesn't straight-up make fun of you, consider it a success if she gives it to you.

Know how your phone works and know how to enter numbers into it.  Standing and waiting for 5 minutes while a guy figures out how to work his phone has to suck.  It especially sucks if you have a smart phone that's out to get you.

Sometimes they say no.  Unless you strongly think she's playing some sort of game or somehow gives you the idea that pushing it is a good idea (I warn against dating this type of girl - they're usually the ones that are into some freaky stuff.  Not the good kind of freaky.  The painful kind), I highly suggest that you take "no" for an answer.  Don't try and convince a girl to like you.  Bad idea.  Bad, bad idea.  This leads to further humiliation until eventually you have no dignity left and you are downright begging her to go out with you.  A crowd will gather and stare as tears start to form in your eyes and they'll start pointing and laughing and taking videos on their phones to put up on YouTube later.  Trust me.  You don't want that.  Truuuuust me.

Absorb the hit and walk away.  At this point, we're in "damage control mode."  Let it bruise your ego a little.  There's, unfortunately, no better way to handle the situation (from what I've found).  The longer you stand and try to insist that she go out with you, the higher your creepy score goes up and the more likely she is to spread around that you're psycho.

Don't say anything beyond a quick, "Oh, ok." or "no worries" and then get the hell out of there.  There's no reason to stick around and chat.  Your mission has failed.  Go home, play a videogame for a while, call up JJ and complain about how dumb girls are for a bit, watch 500 Days of Summer.  Do whatever makes you feel better.  Don't let it devastate you.  Remind yourself that you still like girls.

Step 1.x:  Things for Girls to Remember

If you're a girl and you're reading this, keep a few things in mind.  

The guy asking for your number has been stressing about that moment for days, weeks, or maybe months.  He's practiced in the mirror, asked his friends about it, read awesome blogs about it, and most of what he is saying is pre-rehearsed.  That doesn't mean he doesn't mean what he's saying.  If anything, it means that he REALLY means what he's saying because it's all been carefully crafted.  It isn't creepy.  It's flattering.

You have the choice to say yes or no.  You don't have to say yes to every guy that asks you (although I understand that it's really hard to say no).  If you are genuinely not interested in him, then don't say yes.  Anytime a girl tells me, "I'd go on at least one date with any guy" I cross them off my list.  You're wasting a guy's time and getting his hopes up.  This isn't high school anymore.  This is the big league.  The guy is asking you out because he is interested in you.  Don't say yes just to be nice.  Say yes because you're interested in getting to know them.

If you say yes and are excited, let him know that.  Tell him that you're excited or looking forward to it or something.  Let him know that you're not just being nice.

If you say no, don't say something like, "let's just be friends" or anything like that.  There's a reason guys yell at movie screens and throw popcorn at it and call the woman a whore when she says that.  It's condescending and the guy feels foolish every time he's around you from then on.  Tell the truth.  "I'm sorry.  I'm not interested in you like that."  It's not mean.  You haven't insulted him.  He'll be fine.  Don't try and soften the blow because that weakens your no and gives him motivation to keep trying.  You want him to get the message.

If you don't let him know directly, he'll keep coming back for more.  Don't tell him that you're too busy to date or that you're not dating right now or that you just got out of a nasty relationship or whatever.  He'll see you a week later with a different guy and then he'll spread nasty rumors about you and basically everyone will be on his side.  Just be honest, say no, and do it in a way that any decent human being would do it.

If you'd like to get to know him but not on a romantic level, tell him that you're not looking for a relationship with him.  Be honest.  That's the biggest thing.

It's late, I'm tired, and my sleep drugs are slowing down my thoughts and my ability to type correctly.  I'll finish this later.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Text Messages I Send

I've recently gotten into the amusing habit of sending friends grotesque text messages.  They all involve beloved animals and terrible things that I could do to them, but then I choose to be friends with the recipient of the text message instead.  Animal rights activists rejoice, because there are dozens of little critters in the world that still live because of my friends.  Here are some samples.  I'm really proud of my work.

Text Messages

"If I had a choice between skinning a live fluffy puppy dog or being your friend, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between raping a small colony of ewoks or being your friend, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between twisting a kitten's tail off with pliers or being your friend, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between injecting baby turtles with sulfuric acid or being your friend, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between flushing a gerbil down a toilet or being your friend, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or stuffing a bowling ball up an elephant's trunk, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or eating cheetah cordon bleu, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or strapping a koala bear into an electric chair and flipping the switch, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or disguising my high voltage bug zappers as flowers that humming birds really like, I'd probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or sealing a horse's orifices shut with glue made out of its mother, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or curb-stomping a cuddly dolphin, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or impaling two porcupines with each other, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or running over a bushy-tailed squirrel with a bulldozer, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or nailing a baby penguin to a cross, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or turning a burro into a burrito, I would probably be your friend."

Monday, August 16, 2010

Addiction-Prone Brandon

I mentioned it earlier, but I'm going to go ahead and talk about it again.  I've found, over the course of my life, that there is one character flaw that seems to really screw me over repeatedly.  I've found that I'm extremely prone to addiction.

When I say addiction-prone, I'm not really talking about drugs or drinking (although I do currently have a thing for snoozeberries).  I'm talking about being addicted to anything.

If I hear a song I like, I listen to it until I know all the words, the bass line, the drum part, the guitar part, and any other instrument.  Not like know-them-enough-to-sing-them.  More like I-know-exactly-which-notes-they're-playing.  I listen to it until it's dead and can't move anymore.

If there's a movie that I really like, I'll watch it over and over until my friends become concerned and set up a "check on Brandon" schedule.  I'm willing to bet that I've watched Wall-E more than any other person ever.  Don't judge me.  Wall-E is awesome.  Screw you.

If I own a spoon and a bowl that I really like (like I currently do), I exclusively use that spoon and that bowl.  I'll wash them when I'm done, and then put them in their special place so that my roommates would have to go out of their way to use them.  Today, my bowl and my spoon weren't there, and I panicked for a good 2 minutes, pacing around the kitchen and talking to myself, telling myself that things were ok and that I could just wash the dishes and then use them.  It was a traumatic experience for me, so please don't bring it up.

If there's a particular turn on a particular road that I love taking at a particular speed, making sure that I brake a few meters before the turn, hitting the apex, and accelerating out and swinging wide on the exit, I'll go on drives just for that opportune moment.  I'll drive 45 minutes away to a road that's extremely inconvenient to get to, and then I'll take that turn, turn around and go home.

For a while, I really loved shifting from 4th to 6th in my car.  Even today, I kept doing it.  I didn't need to.  5th gear would have done just fine in between them, but I get a kick out of shifting from 4th to 6th.

If I have a good conversation with a girl I like, I will replay that conversation over and over in my head for the next forever.  I analyze it, reanalyze it, imagine different perspectives and basically obsess over a stupid conversation about stand-up comedians for weeks.  It's very distracting and it's hard to concentrate in class when I'm thinking about a conversation that happened 3 months ago.

If I make up a solo on the piano, I will play it over and over until my roommates think that it's a song that I have stuck on repeat.  Then their turn comes up on the "check on Brandon" schedule, they check, and find out that I've been playing the exact same thing over and over and over for the last 2 and half hours.

If there's a word that I find out I really like to type, I open up a word file and type that word out a few times, just to get it out of my system.

I buy the exact same things from restaurants that I ordered on my first visit.  I never branch out.  That means that my first visit is extremely important and stressful because if I get it wrong, that restaurant is ruined for me for the rest of my life.

I have dozens of ties, but only wear 2 of them - a blue one and a red one, depending on my mood.  Lately, it's been exclusively the red one.

If I get a girlfriend, I want to be around her all the time, doing girlfriend-boyfriend-y things.  Not in like a needy kind of way, but I don't know how else to explain it.  I'm happy without them, and I'm happy with them, but I prefer to be with them at all times.

Every semester, I set the goal to attend every class.  I do alright until a few weeks in when I miss my first class.  It can be a legit reason like I'm sick and preparing to die, or it can be lame like I went tubing in the river instead.  After that, going to class becomes extremely difficult - like I'm addicted to not going and I feel like I'm in a 12-step program when I go to class.

My grocery list has remained exactly the same for the last 2 years with very very subtle changes.

I do this for just about everything imaginable.  It makes sense, I suppose.  If I like something, I keep doing it.  Only, I feel like I'm the only person that goes to such great lengths to maintain the things I like. Driving forever for a TURN??  That's not a joke!  I actually do that!  I haven't been diagnosed with OCD, and I'm like 93% sure I don't have it.  I just really like to do the things that I really like to do.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My Day Today

We're gonna go ahead and review my day today and analyze each and every step along the way.

I woke up at like 11 because I still have jet lag from California and because I have no other motivation to really get up.  I get to decide when and if I work because my job is totally awesome like that.

Upon waking up, I laid there for a good half hour or so, making that funny pop-y sound in the back of my throat, trying to make it sound like a Harley (yeah, I'm hardcore like that).

Then, out of nowhere, I got the sudden urge to work out, so I got up out of my bed probably faster than I've ever gotten out of anything in my entire life and threw on my workout clothes and went to eat breakfast.

I'm on a health kick lately.  A combination of California and a family full of vegetarians and vegans will do that to you.  I even ordered shoes online called "Earth Shoes" that are made so that your toes are higher than your heel (opposite of most shoes) by 3.7 degrees.  It's supposed to mimic what it's like to stand in sand and it's good and natural for the way your weight distributes and stuff.  Wearing anything with a raised heel is really bad for your posture (hence why most people hunch while walking) and causes lots of foot pain (because of all the pressure you're putting on your toes rather than on your heel is really bad for your arches and stuff).

When I went to open the box of Earth Shoes, I was greeted by the top of the box that said, "Earth Shoes - Different.  Like you."  I think that's bold advertising to know that anyone who orders their product is a little strange.  They fully embrace their demographics.  Now I wear shoes that are good for my feet and my posture.  Enjoy your aching feet and your hunched posture.  Me and like 6 other people in the world are super cool with our inverted-heel shoes.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to write about.  I wanted to write about breakfast and my health kick.

I sat down to a happy bowl of granola cereal and soy milk (mixed with DHA-Omega 3, which totally sounds like a robot or a secret government project or something) and a Granny Smith apple.  I ate them.  Then I went to work out with Aaron.

The exercise bike that I always use (being a creature of repetition, habit, and extremely addiction-prone) apparently doesn't work anymore and I couldn't figure out why.  It was plugged in.  What more does it need?

I had a mini ceremony to mourn its sudden and tragic death (I think it was Bike Cancer) and then moved on to find another bike.  Apparently, Bike Cancer is contagious because nearly every bike in the school gym had tragically passed away since my last visit.  I finally found one that had all the buttons on it worn off, so I had no idea which program I picked.  I assume it was "Random" because that's exactly what the hill-diagram-thingy was.

There was a TV in front of me that was showing CNN news and talking about how the judge in California was going to make a decision about Prop 8 (gay marriage) today.  Me, being a politics major, predicted the outcome.  I told Aaron (who was working out with me) that the judge would overturn Prop 8 (because it's the 9th circuit and that's what they do) and that it would head to the Supreme Court and the Supreme Court would choose to hear the case, say that there is nothing in the constitution about marriage and decide to leave it up to the individual states to decide.  So far I'm partially correct.  Gay marriage is now legal in California again.

I'll go ahead and share my thoughts on the whole ordeal:  I am a libertarian.  I believe a government shouldn't regulate marriage simply because there is no need to.  I think it should be the kind of thing that people get to decide to do (assuming they are of legal age and all that).

However (and this is the part where I lose a lot of people because it can sound a little crazy), I also believe that there is a man on this planet that talks to God, and I've been promised by God that if I obey this man, even if I think he's wrong, that I will be taken care of (and I need a lot of being taken care of).  There are some things in my church that I don't necessarily understand and many leaders and members have said things that I flat out disagree with, but I do believe what God tells me.

So me voting Yes for Prop 8 had nothing to do with hatred or anything like that (but I understand why you would think so because I'm also kind of ashamed at how members of my religion have acted towards homosexuals), and everything to do with me obeying a man backed by my chosen deity.  Aside from me and my relationship with God, I would have 100% voted against Prop 8 and it was a really tough decision for me.  If you're at all offended with that, I totally understand and I'm sincerely sorry.  If you still have a tough time understanding what I'm getting at, read this.  Not my words, but close enough to where I'm comfortable standing by it.

Ok, glad I got that off my chest.  Now let's get back to my day.

I finished working out, drove home, showered, and sat down to my keyboard to play for a while.  While playing, I had two roommates come by and tell me how cool I was (because let's face it... I'm pretty cool.  I can play Journey).

I sat down to play videogames and send a quick text message only to find that my phone's touch screen wasn't working (again).  When I press a part of the screen (for example, the on-screen keyboard) it does one of 3 things:  It doesn't respond at all.  It picks some random button that wasn't close to mine.  Or it presses and holds the spot that I pressed (even after I let go) and then starts flying around like it's possessed and picks a bunch of buttons so my message ends up saying, "Hey, you wanna go to the rivaserdjfkkeiwwlsdfkjfiewowqaksdf"

This is a problem that I've been having since May and I told myself that if it happened while the Verizon store was open that I would drive over there so I could show them that it didn't work so that they would believe me because I hate it when people don't believe me.

I drove over there, walked inside all proud-like that I had evidence that my phone was defective and that I would get a new phone.  The big guy that helped me took my phone and it started working like nothing was wrong.  That's when I knew:  I have a devious phone.  They call them "Smart Phones" because they are exactly that.  I've noticed that "Smart People" like to be devious and play tricks on other people and manipulate them and stuff like that.  "Smart Phones" are no different.

They start by slowly gaining your trust -

"Hey, it's ok, pal.  We're in this together."

"What's that?  You're bored while you wait for me to wake up?  Here - look at these skateboarding aliens.  I know how you like skateboarding aliens."

"You need email?  That's cool, I got it covered.  There ya go!"

"Don't worry, I don't make mistakes.  I'm REAL smart!"

"You want 'Hips Don't Lie' as your ringtone and 'Turtle Power' as your text alert?  No problem at all.  You're welcome for me letting you customize me."

"Hey, thanks for charging me - here's a text message from that girl you like.  'Turtle Power!'"

"You wanna look up what DHA-Omega 3 is?  I got it, don't you even worry.  You can trust me."

"You wanna call mom because you just watched a touching movie about mothers?  Hey, I'll even do more by playing a special ringtone that reminds you of your mom while you wait for her starting-to-shrivel hands to dig into her purse and answer her phone.  If she doesn't hear the ringtone because she's starting to go deaf, no worries.  A simple text message will do.  I'll make it easy for you to push the buttons and I'll shake a little when you touch the screen to let you know that you correctly pushed a button.  I love you."

Then they start to get a little annoyed with you -

"You forgot me again."

"You stuffed me in your hot stuffy pocket like all day and didn't take me out at all, even after I played 'Turtle Power' for like like 6 times.  WTF?"

"Drop me again, and you'll regret it."

"I'm a phone, not a wizard.  I can't MAKE girls like you!"

Then they start lashing back -

"You forgot to charge me again?  I'm gonna wait until 4:30 in the morning to turn on my screen as bright as I possibly can to let you know.  What's that?  You don't LIKE waking up?  TOO BAD!"

"Oops.  The number for that girl that you like?  Yeah... I 'accidently' forgot it.  You get to go through the awkward ordeal of asking her for it again."

"You want to send a mass text message that says, 'Hey everyone, who wants to go to Panther Falls?'  Well I'm gonna change it at the last second so it says, 'Hey everyone, who wants to go to PANTIES Falls?'  MUAHAHAHA!!!!"

Slowly, they destroy your life.  Everything you have ever loved or cared for - they corrupt and dismantle like terminal Bike Cancer.

We wondered what it would be like if we created intelligent robots and stuff, and now we know.  They stop working when they need to, and start working when you don't want them to in order to make you look stupid and make it look like your claims are false.  The Verizon guy couldn't have believed me.  It made no sense - I say it's broken, but it clearly works.

You won the battle, phone.  But tomorrow, I win the war.

The Verizon guy still believed me (or at least pretended to), so I don't know what I'm complaining about.

I sat there while he played on his computer for a while with my evil phone sitting there, laughing at me with it's smart little brain.  "Look at me!  I'm a freaking smart phone that can tell you how to get places you've never even heard of!  I have all the power and you're nothing!"

Tomorrow, phone, you go in the trash and you're being replaced.  What now, bee-otch?

Anyway, the Verizon guy talked on the phone to another guy for like an hour, did a system reset on my phone, reprogrammed it, and told me to play with it for a few hours and see if that fixed it.

It didn't.  My phone is too smart to be fixed, even after you wipe its memory.

After re-downloading most of my apps and putting all the settings to where they were before (all of this taking me like an hour) my phone began pissing me off again on purpose.  I'd push a button, and it would push like 20 more for me. I'd hit delete, and it would push like 30 more buttons for me.

I was frustrated, so I told my friend, Summer, to order us some pizza while I tried to figure it out (totally abandoning my health kick).  Here in good ol' Buena Vista, we have something on Wednesdays called "Wacky Wednesday" where a large Dominos pizza with 1 topping is $5 - a really good deal.  However, today was different.  Noah (the town is small enough to where we know everyone) told us the total would be $5.99, and we thought he was joking.

He wasn't.

It was seriously, like, one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made.  My brain is still tired from it.  Do I just get the $6 pizza and let The Man win, or do I stand strong, but deny my urge for pizza?  $5 pizza is a really good deal.  $6 is an inferior deal to $5.  $6 is a 20% increase from $5.  20%!!!!!  That's a lot of %!!!

I went ahead and bought the stupid pizza, but only because I had been looking forward to it so much.  Next week, I vow to not buy $6 pizza.  Dominos will pay for this atrocity.  They are going DOWN!

Summer and I ate the pizza while I silently swore at my phone.  We talked about if someone we knew was engaged to someone and we thought it was a bad idea, would we tell them?  I said yes, because I've had friends that got married and then divorced and then I told them I always thought it was a bad idea and they told me that they wished that I had told them that before they got married because they would have reconsidered.  Summer was all wishy-washy and lame about it.

I had Summer play with my phone for a bit and she witnessed the insanity (this way, I wouldn't feel so foolish when my phone worked perfectly for the Verizon employee) and we drove to Verizon.

On the way, we jammed to the sound of the blinkers in my car.  She pointed it out and I had never noticed, but my blinkers have one sick beat behind them.

We went inside the Verizon store and talked to the dude.  He got back on the phone and said some stuff into it and I'm assuming it said some stuff back to him, because then he asked me for my address, hung up and said a new phone would be FedEx'd to me and arrive tomorrow.  FREAKING TOMORROW!! That's fast.  That's real fast.  You're gonna die, devious phone.  Consider yourself DEAD!

I got back home and Summer and I talked about nothing and then she left because I failed to entertain her.  I played piano some more and then sat down to play on my computer.

I took off my pants because I was afraid of heat exhaustion, then started blogging.  I paused halfway through blogging to check and see if I could look up marriage records on my computer (because I have a sneaking suspicion about something) only to find that I have to be a private investigator and pay a fee for it.  Defeated, I came back to finish my blog.

Then the landlord came over and I begged them for a desk because playing with my computer on my belly is starting to scorch it from the heat.

And now here I am... blogging... about my day... trying to make it sound like I did something cool or funny or bad, but I really didn't.  Just talkin about my day.

I always feel foolish when I put all of my body weight into a door that clearly says "Pull".  If it says "Push", there's no problem.  The door swings open and I don't have to use my arm muscle to move it.  If it says "Pull", I slam up against it, make loud noises, have people stare at me in my confusion, duck my head out of shame, subtly pull the door open, and walk away in that way that people walk really fast but are trying not to draw attention to themselves - no real stride or anything with their shoulders shrugged really high, no swaying of the arms, and staring directly at the ground.  Then they gossip about me for the rest of the day.  They call me, "The moron that ran into the door."  I know it.