Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My Day Today

We're gonna go ahead and review my day today and analyze each and every step along the way.

I woke up at like 11 because I still have jet lag from California and because I have no other motivation to really get up.  I get to decide when and if I work because my job is totally awesome like that.

Upon waking up, I laid there for a good half hour or so, making that funny pop-y sound in the back of my throat, trying to make it sound like a Harley (yeah, I'm hardcore like that).

Then, out of nowhere, I got the sudden urge to work out, so I got up out of my bed probably faster than I've ever gotten out of anything in my entire life and threw on my workout clothes and went to eat breakfast.

I'm on a health kick lately.  A combination of California and a family full of vegetarians and vegans will do that to you.  I even ordered shoes online called "Earth Shoes" that are made so that your toes are higher than your heel (opposite of most shoes) by 3.7 degrees.  It's supposed to mimic what it's like to stand in sand and it's good and natural for the way your weight distributes and stuff.  Wearing anything with a raised heel is really bad for your posture (hence why most people hunch while walking) and causes lots of foot pain (because of all the pressure you're putting on your toes rather than on your heel is really bad for your arches and stuff).

When I went to open the box of Earth Shoes, I was greeted by the top of the box that said, "Earth Shoes - Different.  Like you."  I think that's bold advertising to know that anyone who orders their product is a little strange.  They fully embrace their demographics.  Now I wear shoes that are good for my feet and my posture.  Enjoy your aching feet and your hunched posture.  Me and like 6 other people in the world are super cool with our inverted-heel shoes.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to write about.  I wanted to write about breakfast and my health kick.

I sat down to a happy bowl of granola cereal and soy milk (mixed with DHA-Omega 3, which totally sounds like a robot or a secret government project or something) and a Granny Smith apple.  I ate them.  Then I went to work out with Aaron.

The exercise bike that I always use (being a creature of repetition, habit, and extremely addiction-prone) apparently doesn't work anymore and I couldn't figure out why.  It was plugged in.  What more does it need?

I had a mini ceremony to mourn its sudden and tragic death (I think it was Bike Cancer) and then moved on to find another bike.  Apparently, Bike Cancer is contagious because nearly every bike in the school gym had tragically passed away since my last visit.  I finally found one that had all the buttons on it worn off, so I had no idea which program I picked.  I assume it was "Random" because that's exactly what the hill-diagram-thingy was.

There was a TV in front of me that was showing CNN news and talking about how the judge in California was going to make a decision about Prop 8 (gay marriage) today.  Me, being a politics major, predicted the outcome.  I told Aaron (who was working out with me) that the judge would overturn Prop 8 (because it's the 9th circuit and that's what they do) and that it would head to the Supreme Court and the Supreme Court would choose to hear the case, say that there is nothing in the constitution about marriage and decide to leave it up to the individual states to decide.  So far I'm partially correct.  Gay marriage is now legal in California again.

I'll go ahead and share my thoughts on the whole ordeal:  I am a libertarian.  I believe a government shouldn't regulate marriage simply because there is no need to.  I think it should be the kind of thing that people get to decide to do (assuming they are of legal age and all that).

However (and this is the part where I lose a lot of people because it can sound a little crazy), I also believe that there is a man on this planet that talks to God, and I've been promised by God that if I obey this man, even if I think he's wrong, that I will be taken care of (and I need a lot of being taken care of).  There are some things in my church that I don't necessarily understand and many leaders and members have said things that I flat out disagree with, but I do believe what God tells me.

So me voting Yes for Prop 8 had nothing to do with hatred or anything like that (but I understand why you would think so because I'm also kind of ashamed at how members of my religion have acted towards homosexuals), and everything to do with me obeying a man backed by my chosen deity.  Aside from me and my relationship with God, I would have 100% voted against Prop 8 and it was a really tough decision for me.  If you're at all offended with that, I totally understand and I'm sincerely sorry.  If you still have a tough time understanding what I'm getting at, read this.  Not my words, but close enough to where I'm comfortable standing by it.

Ok, glad I got that off my chest.  Now let's get back to my day.

I finished working out, drove home, showered, and sat down to my keyboard to play for a while.  While playing, I had two roommates come by and tell me how cool I was (because let's face it... I'm pretty cool.  I can play Journey).

I sat down to play videogames and send a quick text message only to find that my phone's touch screen wasn't working (again).  When I press a part of the screen (for example, the on-screen keyboard) it does one of 3 things:  It doesn't respond at all.  It picks some random button that wasn't close to mine.  Or it presses and holds the spot that I pressed (even after I let go) and then starts flying around like it's possessed and picks a bunch of buttons so my message ends up saying, "Hey, you wanna go to the rivaserdjfkkeiwwlsdfkjfiewowqaksdf"

This is a problem that I've been having since May and I told myself that if it happened while the Verizon store was open that I would drive over there so I could show them that it didn't work so that they would believe me because I hate it when people don't believe me.

I drove over there, walked inside all proud-like that I had evidence that my phone was defective and that I would get a new phone.  The big guy that helped me took my phone and it started working like nothing was wrong.  That's when I knew:  I have a devious phone.  They call them "Smart Phones" because they are exactly that.  I've noticed that "Smart People" like to be devious and play tricks on other people and manipulate them and stuff like that.  "Smart Phones" are no different.

They start by slowly gaining your trust -

"Hey, it's ok, pal.  We're in this together."

"What's that?  You're bored while you wait for me to wake up?  Here - look at these skateboarding aliens.  I know how you like skateboarding aliens."

"You need email?  That's cool, I got it covered.  There ya go!"

"Don't worry, I don't make mistakes.  I'm REAL smart!"

"You want 'Hips Don't Lie' as your ringtone and 'Turtle Power' as your text alert?  No problem at all.  You're welcome for me letting you customize me."

"Hey, thanks for charging me - here's a text message from that girl you like.  'Turtle Power!'"

"You wanna look up what DHA-Omega 3 is?  I got it, don't you even worry.  You can trust me."

"You wanna call mom because you just watched a touching movie about mothers?  Hey, I'll even do more by playing a special ringtone that reminds you of your mom while you wait for her starting-to-shrivel hands to dig into her purse and answer her phone.  If she doesn't hear the ringtone because she's starting to go deaf, no worries.  A simple text message will do.  I'll make it easy for you to push the buttons and I'll shake a little when you touch the screen to let you know that you correctly pushed a button.  I love you."

Then they start to get a little annoyed with you -

"You forgot me again."

"You stuffed me in your hot stuffy pocket like all day and didn't take me out at all, even after I played 'Turtle Power' for like like 6 times.  WTF?"

"Drop me again, and you'll regret it."

"I'm a phone, not a wizard.  I can't MAKE girls like you!"

Then they start lashing back -

"You forgot to charge me again?  I'm gonna wait until 4:30 in the morning to turn on my screen as bright as I possibly can to let you know.  What's that?  You don't LIKE waking up?  TOO BAD!"

"Oops.  The number for that girl that you like?  Yeah... I 'accidently' forgot it.  You get to go through the awkward ordeal of asking her for it again."

"You want to send a mass text message that says, 'Hey everyone, who wants to go to Panther Falls?'  Well I'm gonna change it at the last second so it says, 'Hey everyone, who wants to go to PANTIES Falls?'  MUAHAHAHA!!!!"

Slowly, they destroy your life.  Everything you have ever loved or cared for - they corrupt and dismantle like terminal Bike Cancer.

We wondered what it would be like if we created intelligent robots and stuff, and now we know.  They stop working when they need to, and start working when you don't want them to in order to make you look stupid and make it look like your claims are false.  The Verizon guy couldn't have believed me.  It made no sense - I say it's broken, but it clearly works.

You won the battle, phone.  But tomorrow, I win the war.

The Verizon guy still believed me (or at least pretended to), so I don't know what I'm complaining about.

I sat there while he played on his computer for a while with my evil phone sitting there, laughing at me with it's smart little brain.  "Look at me!  I'm a freaking smart phone that can tell you how to get places you've never even heard of!  I have all the power and you're nothing!"

Tomorrow, phone, you go in the trash and you're being replaced.  What now, bee-otch?

Anyway, the Verizon guy talked on the phone to another guy for like an hour, did a system reset on my phone, reprogrammed it, and told me to play with it for a few hours and see if that fixed it.

It didn't.  My phone is too smart to be fixed, even after you wipe its memory.

After re-downloading most of my apps and putting all the settings to where they were before (all of this taking me like an hour) my phone began pissing me off again on purpose.  I'd push a button, and it would push like 20 more for me. I'd hit delete, and it would push like 30 more buttons for me.

I was frustrated, so I told my friend, Summer, to order us some pizza while I tried to figure it out (totally abandoning my health kick).  Here in good ol' Buena Vista, we have something on Wednesdays called "Wacky Wednesday" where a large Dominos pizza with 1 topping is $5 - a really good deal.  However, today was different.  Noah (the town is small enough to where we know everyone) told us the total would be $5.99, and we thought he was joking.

He wasn't.

It was seriously, like, one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made.  My brain is still tired from it.  Do I just get the $6 pizza and let The Man win, or do I stand strong, but deny my urge for pizza?  $5 pizza is a really good deal.  $6 is an inferior deal to $5.  $6 is a 20% increase from $5.  20%!!!!!  That's a lot of %!!!

I went ahead and bought the stupid pizza, but only because I had been looking forward to it so much.  Next week, I vow to not buy $6 pizza.  Dominos will pay for this atrocity.  They are going DOWN!

Summer and I ate the pizza while I silently swore at my phone.  We talked about if someone we knew was engaged to someone and we thought it was a bad idea, would we tell them?  I said yes, because I've had friends that got married and then divorced and then I told them I always thought it was a bad idea and they told me that they wished that I had told them that before they got married because they would have reconsidered.  Summer was all wishy-washy and lame about it.

I had Summer play with my phone for a bit and she witnessed the insanity (this way, I wouldn't feel so foolish when my phone worked perfectly for the Verizon employee) and we drove to Verizon.

On the way, we jammed to the sound of the blinkers in my car.  She pointed it out and I had never noticed, but my blinkers have one sick beat behind them.

We went inside the Verizon store and talked to the dude.  He got back on the phone and said some stuff into it and I'm assuming it said some stuff back to him, because then he asked me for my address, hung up and said a new phone would be FedEx'd to me and arrive tomorrow.  FREAKING TOMORROW!! That's fast.  That's real fast.  You're gonna die, devious phone.  Consider yourself DEAD!

I got back home and Summer and I talked about nothing and then she left because I failed to entertain her.  I played piano some more and then sat down to play on my computer.

I took off my pants because I was afraid of heat exhaustion, then started blogging.  I paused halfway through blogging to check and see if I could look up marriage records on my computer (because I have a sneaking suspicion about something) only to find that I have to be a private investigator and pay a fee for it.  Defeated, I came back to finish my blog.

Then the landlord came over and I begged them for a desk because playing with my computer on my belly is starting to scorch it from the heat.

And now here I am... blogging... about my day... trying to make it sound like I did something cool or funny or bad, but I really didn't.  Just talkin about my day.

I always feel foolish when I put all of my body weight into a door that clearly says "Pull".  If it says "Push", there's no problem.  The door swings open and I don't have to use my arm muscle to move it.  If it says "Pull", I slam up against it, make loud noises, have people stare at me in my confusion, duck my head out of shame, subtly pull the door open, and walk away in that way that people walk really fast but are trying not to draw attention to themselves - no real stride or anything with their shoulders shrugged really high, no swaying of the arms, and staring directly at the ground.  Then they gossip about me for the rest of the day.  They call me, "The moron that ran into the door."  I know it.

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