Friday, June 25, 2010

Dating and Laundry

Today, I woke up, and I have not seen a single person since waking up (which was about 9 hours ago).  No roommates.  No one out the window.  Nothing.  I'm not sure if the apocalypse came and went and my room was somehow saved from the destruction, or if this is a national game of hide and seek and I didn't get the memo.  It's kind of eerie, but I also like it.

I actually do get a little paranoid when I think everyone knows something that I don't.  Like when I have a girlfriend and I feel like I can't trust her and my friends avoid the subject.  Turns out there's always reason for me to not trust her, so I don't know why I bother asking.


Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm going to talk about dating for a while and give girls tips on what to do to communicate to a guy that they are interested without ever leaving their comfort zone.  After all, it should be the guy's job to do all of the work and risk humiliating rejection.  Girls are along for the ride and should make guys earn them.  Totally passive.  That's the name of the game.

First, we have the beginning stages.  In the beginning stages, you see a man that you like.  From a distance, you try and pick up on any clues as to what his personality is like; the way he dresses, how he laughs, who is he surrounded by, etc.  Once you feel you have a fair estimate of what the man is like, you ignore him.  You pretend like he's not even there, except that you glance at him every once in a while.  Hopefully you'll make eye contact so that you can look away quickly and make him feel kind of awkward for making eye contact.  See - the trick is to communicate how you feel by trying to cover up how you feel.  Girls do it in the movies all the time and it works perfectly.  They ignore a guy until he walks up and then the movie skips to the love-making.  They don't smile at him or turn towards him to talk to him or anything.  It goes straight from ignoring to love-making.  Trust me, the less they know about how you feel, the better.  Never, under any circumstances, let your body language let him know that you want his attention.

This can go on for weeks or even months if you're good.  You know you're doing well when they have a tough time remembering your name.  That's a good sign - it means they're going to try and remember your name for the rest of the day, which means they're thinking about you for the rest of the day.

Remember to only glance at them - nothing longer than 1 second.  Any longer than that, and they might think that you're interested and they'll be tempted to walk over and maybe talk to you.  You don't want that.  That's creepy.

If, on the off-chance they do decide to talk to you.  Make them feel foolish.  Be shy and only answer their questions with one word.  If an actual conversation does happen, talk about other guys.  Say things like "any relationship I've been in, the guy always falls in love with me and then I have to break up with him."  Or, "It takes me a really long time to decide if I like a guy.  I dated this one guy for like 6 months but I was never really sure if I liked him or not."  You want to throw him off balance.  Make him scared that you'll just never really be all that "in" to him and that it'll require an insane amount of time for him to figure that out.  He'll have desires to be the one that conquers your emotions.

Try and actually flirt with other people just to get the message across that you are interested in the person that you keep glancing at across the room (for 1 second at a time).  Despite what you may think, it's working.  He's totally into you - watching you flirt with other dudes.  He doesn't think that you're crazy or anything like that.  He's looking for any sign of even mild interest so that he can loosely judge what would happen if he were to get up and maybe ask you out.  See, guys like the unknown - especially with girls.  We love not knowing what's going to happen next and we're all totally comfortable with asking out any girl without any hints from her.

Then the love-making happens.

See?  Isn't that easy?  Foolproof.  Nothing but logic.


Here's a list of things that I enjoy more than doing laundry:

1.  Staring at the wall
2.  Going to a party where I don't know anyone.
3.  Pounding nails through the more sensitive parts of my body.
4.  Having no internet.
5.  Going outside.
6.  Crashing my car.
7.  Getting mugged at gunpoint.
8.  Not having enough space on my hard drive to finish a 3 hour download.
9.  Analyzing and talking about every aspect of an artsy-fartsy movie.  Especially when the discussion is longer than the movie itself.
10.  People that think it's cool to hate things because other people like them.

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