Monday, June 25, 2012

Jealousy

So here's a feeling I haven't felt in a while:  Jealousy.  Now, I wouldn't consider myself the "jealous type".  On a scale of 1-10, 1 being I've never felt the feeling and 10 being constant paranoia, I probably fall right in the middle (that's 5, for the mathematically impaired).  I've gone several months without feeling jealousy.  It was very nice.

And then out of nowhere, BAM.  It's freaking everywhere!

So I've concluded that jealousy is like wildfire, and that rather than try to put it out, you need to control it.  Let it burn itself out, but keep it under control.

It started with a letter from Chloe.  I haven't seen Chloe in two years.  If I'm being completely honest, I hardly remember what she was like.  I just remember that I liked her.  We were good buddies before she left, but we never dated because my best friend had recently committed suicide and I wasn't really in a state to be dating.  Chloe didn't mind, she just dated all of my friends instead.  So I got used to that jealousy feeling primarily because she wasn't really mine to be jealous over.  Every once in a while it would flare up and I'd go into my bedroom and be by myself for a while and it'd blow over, and then we could continue being friends.  No biggy.

And then her last letter set off a huge jealousy spike.  I won't go into detail on what it was specifically (and if I'm being completely honest, it was as innocent as innocent comes - nothing to worry about even a little bit), but I was caught off guard by how much it messed with me.  For days I walked around with that kind of sick feeling in the pit of my stomach - that feeling that I had become so good at controlling, but now I can't seem to get on top of it.  I haven't been able to send her the letters I wrote the last two weeks because of it.  And I fully realize that's stupid.

And then one of my friends asks out French Girl.  Logically, I should think nothing of it.  I broke up with her.  And yes, I do kind of miss her (or maybe I just miss it?  I dunno), but my reaction definitely didn't match the situation.  I mean, I went full-crazy.  I mean... I'm still ashamed of how I feel about it.  I have absolutely no justification to feel the way I feel, yet I do.  Does that mean I care about her a lot more than I thought?  I dunno?  Maybe?

That's when I realized that I'm out of practice.  Since I haven't been in a relationship for a while and since I felt so secure in mine and French Girl's relationship, jealousy was never an issue.  I've forgotten how to deal with it.  I've gone from being a 5 on the jealousy scale to being at like an 8.  And it feels terrible, mostly because I'm absolutely not justified even a little bit in feeling that way because one is a girl I've never dated, and one is a girl I broke up with.  Makes no sense.

So now I'm stuck feeling this way because of the whole wildfire thing.  I can't put this feeling out and I wasn't prepared to control it, so I guess I'm kind of stuck just letting it run its course.  So that sucks.

Anyway, just my thoughts on my emotional capabilities.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Is something wrong with me?

I broke up with The French Girl.  That actually happened a few weeks ago, I just haven't been able to really blog about it until now.  I've tried laying out a few blog posts on why things didn't work out, but they ultimately don't really work out.

I realized we were going to break up the night I went to go see her in a play.  During intermission, I had two friends come over and sit next to me and chat for a while.  They both asked me how things were going with The French Girl.  When I said "good" with pretty much no emotion attached to it (but had to fake it and then listen to my friends say how much they enjoyed seeing me and The French Girl together), and that got me thinking.  I mean, yeah, it was a good relationship, but I wasn't really excited about it.  There's no particular reason why - just no excitement on my part.

Human emotion is so weird and complicated.  It's like the smallest thing can be completely earth-shattering, and huge things sometimes don't phase me.  I don't know.  That's strange to me.

The biggest reason things didn't work out is that I just wasn't feeling it.  There's nothing wrong with The French Girl at all (aside from being from France).  So that makes me wonder - is something wrong with me?

I mean, she was great.  She's considerate, compassionate, can cook amazingly well, is energetic, talented, intelligent, and is a fantastic kisser (a true master of the French tongue).  But yet I just wasn't feeling all that excited about the relationship.

I guess it's a question that everyone asks their self pretty much constantly - is there something wrong with me?  Am I too big?  Are my muscles not big enough?  Is there a reason I enjoy sitting at home so much while other friends enjoy being outside?  Do people just pretend to like me?  Is my life like the Truman Show?  I've only been in love once.  Am I even capable of the same love I felt when I was 21?  How come no one has been able to completely captivate me the way that she did?  Even before we were dating, she was all I could think about.  Is it unrealistic for me to compare girls to her?  Can anyone ever even compare to that?  Am I doomed to end up with someone that will always be "the second best" in my head?

That's the kind of stuff that scares me.

And cooking.  Cooking scares me.  I don't know why.

I consider myself to be a confident person - often far too confident for my own good.  It's a problem that most people can't really relate to because most of the time, we're insecure bags of hormones that are directly influenced by what we ate for breakfast that morning.  But I honestly think I can do anything ('cept cook.  scares the shit out of me).  And I want someone who believes the same.  I want to be able to come home with a problem, tell her about it, have her grab my hand and say "Don't worry.  We're Us.  And We're awesome" and I want to know that she means it and isn't just saying it because she knows I'll like it.

I want someone who is so amazing that I am torn between making out with her and talking with her because both activities with her are amazing but are mutually exclusive.





So in about a month, I'm going to be faced with a pretty complicated situation.  I haven't really talked about it on this blog because I honestly have no idea what's going to happen.  It's a missionary.  And when I first met her, I actually did feel that captivated feeling.  We didn't date before she left for her mission (which turns out to have been a good thing).  We've written each other nearly every week for a year and a half.  We've agreed to "date" when she comes home, but I'm not entirely sure what that will entail.  I don't know if she's just saying that or if she really means it.  Plus she'll be living several states away, so even if we do somehow end up dating, she'll be far away.

And then I worry about if she really is as great as I remember her, or if I've played her up too much in my head and she's comparatively dull.  I'm excited for her to visit and all that, but I don't know what it's going to be like.  Will it be just like before where we would just hang out for long periods of time and talk?  Or will it be more?  Do I still want it to be more?  I don't even know.  In my current mood (slightly down about nothing in particular), I don't really want to see her.  But on most days I'm pretty excited.

So I'll keep you updated on that front.  Her name is Chloe.  She doesn't get a clever code name or anything like that.  She's just Chloe.  And she comes home in 29 days, 8 hours, 51 minutes and 8 seconds.