Monday, June 25, 2012

Jealousy

So here's a feeling I haven't felt in a while:  Jealousy.  Now, I wouldn't consider myself the "jealous type".  On a scale of 1-10, 1 being I've never felt the feeling and 10 being constant paranoia, I probably fall right in the middle (that's 5, for the mathematically impaired).  I've gone several months without feeling jealousy.  It was very nice.

And then out of nowhere, BAM.  It's freaking everywhere!

So I've concluded that jealousy is like wildfire, and that rather than try to put it out, you need to control it.  Let it burn itself out, but keep it under control.

It started with a letter from Chloe.  I haven't seen Chloe in two years.  If I'm being completely honest, I hardly remember what she was like.  I just remember that I liked her.  We were good buddies before she left, but we never dated because my best friend had recently committed suicide and I wasn't really in a state to be dating.  Chloe didn't mind, she just dated all of my friends instead.  So I got used to that jealousy feeling primarily because she wasn't really mine to be jealous over.  Every once in a while it would flare up and I'd go into my bedroom and be by myself for a while and it'd blow over, and then we could continue being friends.  No biggy.

And then her last letter set off a huge jealousy spike.  I won't go into detail on what it was specifically (and if I'm being completely honest, it was as innocent as innocent comes - nothing to worry about even a little bit), but I was caught off guard by how much it messed with me.  For days I walked around with that kind of sick feeling in the pit of my stomach - that feeling that I had become so good at controlling, but now I can't seem to get on top of it.  I haven't been able to send her the letters I wrote the last two weeks because of it.  And I fully realize that's stupid.

And then one of my friends asks out French Girl.  Logically, I should think nothing of it.  I broke up with her.  And yes, I do kind of miss her (or maybe I just miss it?  I dunno), but my reaction definitely didn't match the situation.  I mean, I went full-crazy.  I mean... I'm still ashamed of how I feel about it.  I have absolutely no justification to feel the way I feel, yet I do.  Does that mean I care about her a lot more than I thought?  I dunno?  Maybe?

That's when I realized that I'm out of practice.  Since I haven't been in a relationship for a while and since I felt so secure in mine and French Girl's relationship, jealousy was never an issue.  I've forgotten how to deal with it.  I've gone from being a 5 on the jealousy scale to being at like an 8.  And it feels terrible, mostly because I'm absolutely not justified even a little bit in feeling that way because one is a girl I've never dated, and one is a girl I broke up with.  Makes no sense.

So now I'm stuck feeling this way because of the whole wildfire thing.  I can't put this feeling out and I wasn't prepared to control it, so I guess I'm kind of stuck just letting it run its course.  So that sucks.

Anyway, just my thoughts on my emotional capabilities.

2 comments:

  1. so, not to be weird and come out of nowhere, but ive been reading your blog, and there werent any comments so i thought, why not? ive kinda been there. my best advice is to do something that you enjoy, other than the dating/hanging with girls thing. reconnect with an old hobby or pick out an interesting new one. its hard to even function when this level of jealousy rears its ugly head, but if you dont distract yourself, it might be too easy to become enveloped by it. hi, by the way.

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  2. Hi! Welcome and thank you for the advice! This is exactly what I did, actually, and it really helped.

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