Thursday, August 11, 2011

Twist the Key

Good news.  I haven't been sleeping, so you get a blog post.

In recent weeks I have come to possess a key that can quite literally open every door that it can fit into.  That's not a metaphor for anything - I really mean it as literally as I possibly can.  It is a key, and it unlocks all locks.  The potential for chaos is greater than I can fathom.

Chaos is my favorite word.

K.  It doesn't open *all* locks, but probably 90% of them.  I just have to make the first few lines of my posts intriguing because that's the one that shows up in the SNfeed (because I want to be kind of a big deal) and I get a lot of traffic from that (and still maintain only like 5 followers - seriously, people?  I feel like I'm more interesting than that.  tell all your friends to read this blog - share it with anyone).  But the statement still stands - this key opens nearly all locks that it fits into (except for cars because those locks are freaking impossible to pick).

See, I've recently decided that I want to be able to pick locks.  It just sounds like a great party trick.  You know those assholes that randomly grab something at a party and then juggle it?  Well, I want to be able to break into that room that always seems to be locked (there's always one at a party).  And now I can, and it's super easy.  I'm proud to say that I really am one of those people that can pick a lock with a paper clip (or a bobby pin - which is much easier than a paper clip because they don't bend as easily).  It turns out that it's freaking difficult and I'm not very good at it (and I'm not capable of the attention span necessary for focusing on a tiny lock for hours at a time).  So now I have this key (well, it's 5 keys - that way I can open more locks).

(btw, chaos is my favorite word.  can you guess why?)

How did this key fall into my possession?  Well, I made it with an old key and a file and it was one of the hardest and most frustrating things I've ever done.  It was easier once I figured out what the key should look like.  It's a surprisingly simple design, but it looks pretty weird - unlike any key you've ever seen.  It's like those girls that are plain looking, but there's something strangely attractive about them (what's up with that, anyway?).  Anyway, now if the key fits into the lock, it will open the lock (with the help of my shoe, oddly enough).  I don't want to go into detail on how it all works because I plan on confusing the hell out of my friends.  If the lock can be picked, I can get in.

With great power comes great responsibility, and I'm not exactly known for being responsible.

I went to the storage unit at work today.  While there, and with the help of my trusty master key, I took a peek in everyone else's storage units nearby (most likely some kind of crime).  Some people keep some pretty weird stuff in storage, let me tell you.  One dude had a collection of old brooms.  Like... there was nothing else in the storage unit.  And it was one of the big storage unit, too.  It was kind of creepy.  It reminded me of Fantasia.  I was always scared of that movie.

Another storage unit had car parts.  I think it belonged to a mechanic (a word that, until now, I didn't know how to spell - thanks, Google!)?  It was like a junkyard, but in a storage unit.  And it smelled wretched in there.  It smelled like cardboard and farts.

And finally, there was one room completely filled with financial documents.  Boxes and boxes, neatly arranged and labeled.  I stumbled upon a stalker's paradise.  Not important documents, though.  There were boxes and boxes full of receipts going all the way back to June 13 of 1976 (yes, I purposefully checked.  don't judge me).  Some of the receipts were important (and LAMINATED... wtf?).  Some were purchases from McDonald's.  It was all pretty obscure and a little scary (and it didn't help that I was in there illegally).  That storage unit - bigger than my bedroom - is most likely a better documentation of a person's life than their personal journal.  And for some reason, they keep all of this information in a storage unit with a cheap and very pickable padlock instead of in their garage or closet (or their garbage can after 3 years or however long you're supposed to actually hang onto receipts - I dunno, I haven't started that phase of my life yet.  which receipts are you supposed to hang onto and which ones are ok to throw out?).

My curiosity has led to me committing a minor felony.  Actually, I guess it's not a felony because it wasn't a place of residence.  I'm not sure which kind of law I violated.  I just know that I severely violated people's privacy.  I blame the key.  It made me do it (damn devil key).  All I know is that someone has a tough time letting go of things they've purchased.  I can only imagine what their house looks like.  Actually, I could probably go back and look at the newer receipts and find out exactly where they live.  Then I could break in and take a look at their... I dunno.  What do weirdos collect?  Star Wars action figures?  Bibles?  Fecal matter of celebrities (I'm sure it's happened at some point in history)?

One day I hope someone laminates my shit.

So what does a person do with this kind of power (referring to the devil key)?  Well, I know what most people would do with that kind of power.  But I'm not a thief.  There are few things lower in the world than a thief (adulterers probably take the cake in my book).  I don't like to take things that aren't mine (unless I really hate the person - but I don't do it out of greed, I do it to mess with them.  they always get it back).  I'm more likely to leave stuff (like a hot steamy smelly surprise) or just unlock the door and then leave it like that.  I plan on going through the dorms at school and unlocking all of them during a school dance or something - just to freak people out a little.  Can you imagine what that would be like?  Coming home after a nice romantic dance to find your door wide open?  You'd search your room and yell out loud, "what the hell did they take?!"  So if you come home in the future and your door is unlocked but nothing is missing, then it was most likely me just trying to confuse you a little.  Chaos is my favorite word.



Romantically, I've been surprisingly busy (hooray!).

There is a girl here that I've been seeing - we'll call her Ash.  She's 28 and is just finishing up her residency in med school.  She most likely won't be here when I get back from SVU in December, which is sad because I really like her.  The silver lining is that I haven't had a summer fling for a few years (and it's as refreshing as watching someone you hate accidentally run into a closed door).  Ash is about 5'7", brown hair, green eyes, extremely smart, and has a beast of a sex drive (hooray!).  Basically, she's exactly what I've been looking for (minus the whole "not going to be here when I get back" thing).  I could see a serious future between us, but we haven't really talked about it because of the unlikelihood of it.  So for now, it's all for funzies.  Our first date was a nice walk.  On our second date, we went on a cruise around the San Francisco Bay (I've never felt so classy).  Dinner, dancing, and a pretty good time just staring at the city from the water (well... I guess we only stared for a few minutes.  then we got "caught up in the moment", if you know what I mean   ;).  Older woman, smart, witty, a good combination of cute and hot (the best kind of good-looking), and enjoys herself some lovin'.  It's a shame things most likely won't work out. I try to not think about it too much.  We'll see where things end up.  I leave in like a week-and-a-half, and I'm not sure we'll be able to go out again before then because she's so busy (she seriously does like 90 hour work weeks - I'd never make it through med school for that very reason), so it's entirely possible that everything has already ended.  That's ok (I guess) - good memories.  And one of the most (if not *the* most) romantic nights of my life.

And then I had one of the strangest friend/romantic experience I've ever had just the other night.  I was in Utah for my gramma's funeral (my gramma died, btw) and I met up with this friend (we'll call her Anne) for a night.  We're really good friends and it's always been just friends with not even a hint of any sort of feeling for each other (feeling - singular.  guys only have one feeling, apparently).  We met at SVU a few years ago and for the first few years, our relationship pretty much revolved around me terrorizing her and her desperately trying to just be my friend.  I would actively try to make her frustrated and push her to tears (and was regularly successful).  I used to be a complete ass.  I still have that tendancy within me, but I've learned to control it pretty well.  I only unleash it when I really feel like a person needs to be treated like they're stupid.

Anyway, somewhere along the way, we became really good friends.  We tried to figure out when it happened - we think it happened right after she got home from her mission.  The point is that we're really good friends now and have had no history of any kind of romantic connection whatsoever.

But last weekend when I was visiting her, something weird happened.  I'm not sure if we've developed feelings for each other, or if in the 6 years that we've been friends, somewhere along the way, we somehow decided that it was ok to give each other sensual late night massages in bed with the lights out (friends can listen to Endless Love in the dark, right?).

And then our goodbye was... long, to say the least.  We seriously just sat and hugged for like 15 minutes.  And it wasn't like a friendly hug, either.  We held each other and listened to each other's heartbeat and stuff like that (at least that's what was going on on my side.  maybe she just fell asleep for a few minutes?  it was pretty late).  I came really close to telling her that I have feelings for her (but decided that it might have been one of those "caught up in the moment" things - but not the same kind of "caught up in the moment" that I had while on the boat.  a different kind.  a mistake kind.  plus I never saw the "kiss me" face.  I've learned from bad experience to always wait for the "kiss me" face).  I'm not totally sure what to call the emotion attached to this whole thing.  I'm not sure it's love, but the likelihood of it being just friendship is slim (but still a possibility.  it's hard to explain).  Maybe we were both lonely?  But I'm not lonely.  I've been dating Ash and having a really good time.

Man, it's nice to have inner-romantic turmoil again.  It's been way too long.

But here's the thing - the last few times we've visited each other, we've ended up cuddling in bed.  I don't know what to make of it and I'm definitely not going to talk about it with her (yet).  Plus we don't even live in the same state (and probably never will).

Anyway, that's all for now.  I'm feeling pretty sleepy and I think I'm going to be able to fall asleep.

1 comment:

  1. Glad you posted I get sad when there are no posts. I am glad you have romantic turmoil maybe at some point it will turn into romantic happiness! ;) Best of luck!

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