Wednesday, October 27, 2010

That's in the Bible, Right?

Today, I pooped and shaved at the same time.  If the messiah hadn't already come and gone, I would wonder if I were him.

Monday, October 18, 2010

My Home

I have this irrational fear that the shower head will fly off, knock me out, and I'll drown in the shower.  I don't know why.  To my knowledge, I don't think a person can drown by having shower water wash over their body.  It's a recent development.  I haven't really had this fear in the past - at least not to this extent.  The closest name that I can find that would fit this phobia is Ablutophobia, which means fear of showers.  It's most likely manifesting because I live in a place that, I assume, barely qualifies as a place fit for the habitation of humans as dictated by the law.

You would be impressed if you saw this place.  Not impressed like, "Whoa, this is an impressive place." but impressed like, "W...T....F?"  It's a mess.  There are 5 guys living here, but that's not the reason it's a mess.  Structurally, it's beginning to give.  Not give like, "Here, have some cookies I baked for you." but give like, "W...T...F?"  The roof leaks in multiple places when it rains and as a result, is starting to cave (or re-cave in some instances).  Not cave like, "A bear's home." but cave like, "We're screwed."  The hardwood floors desperately need to be redone and walking without any kind of foot protection results in  about a 93% chance to get a splinter, or at least step on something sharp, which normally leads to using foul language which will make Jeff and JJ yell at you.  If the splinter breaks skin, you're pretty much guaranteed to contract some form of hepatitis.

The guys that live here constantly complain about the living conditions (one of them is even the son of the landlord).  None of us have really put any legitimate, long-term effort into maintaining the place, but we each claim that we do because we feel guilty if we don't at least say it.  We all know we're lying, but we just let it slide (we also blame everything on Aaron, but I don't think he knows that).  Occasionally, one of us will get motivated by some undetectable force to keep everything clean - and they'll be successful, but only for a few days before they give up.  This is the kind of place that if you clean, you won't notice the next day.  Spiders and their webs are everywhere.  It's super dusty.  Ants invade on a regular basis despite our best efforts to ward them off.  I sweep the stairs leading up to the apartment about once every 2 weeks and take pictures of right before I swept, right after I swept, and a couple days after that.  The first and third pictures look identical.  I don't want to sweep the stairs every day.  To me, that sounds unreasonable, so I've now given up on sweeping the stairs.  I convince myself that I am content with being greeted with roach carcasses as I hike up the stairs each day.

Everywhere in this place, there are strange paintings on the walls.  Some of the doodles seem almost hieroglyphic and difficult to interpret.  The only logical conclusion is a combination of insanity and crack.

When you first come up the stairs, the walls are yellow with red polka dots.  I don't know why.  It's not really a "homey" feel (not homey like, "What's up homey?" but homey like, "Home + y.").  There are strange drawings (paintings?) hung on the walls that look like dolls saying things that could either be interpreted as motivational/positive or totally and completely unsettling and creepy.

Upon reaching the top of the stairs, the wall fades into a sort of blue-ish color.  Yellow and blue remind me of my elementary school because those were our colors.  The dark blue color makes the place appear eerie and dark (which I actually kind of like).  The roof is white probably because whoever was painting wasn't very tall.  There are some places where someone almost started painting the wall a different color, but had second thoughts after a few brush swipes.  It's an unmitigated disaster.

In our "common area" (living room?), it has teal walls.  On the wall on the left as you come in, there is half of a yellow heart painted on the wall - like a big heart.  It covers most of the wall and goes up to the ceiling.  There is a creepy flower with eyes and stuff painted inside of the heart.  "Hugo, why is there half a heart painted on the wall?" you may ask.  Someone has put a full-length mirror on the wall which reflects and makes the half-of-a-heart look like a full heart when you stand and look in the mirror at the correct angle.  Kind of a cool touch, but it's absolutely terrifying.

Jeff and Aaron's room has wood paneling on the walls.  I don't know why and I'm scared to find out what they're covering.  Above Jeff's bed, there is, what looks like, a lame splatter painting (and it's HUGE).  I want to say that it's fused to the wall, but I think I may be confusing an episode of The Office with my own life.  I'll go home and check once I'm done here in the library.

JJ and Nate's room is sexually explicit.  On the left wall, there is a dragon.  There are also a series of 3 mirrors that look like windows traverse the wall.  This blue dragon is straight-up power-humping one of the mirrors.  Power-humping.  It's literally forcing itself upon this poor little mirror.  Supposedly, there's supposed to be a red dragon on the other side power-humping another mirror and their mouths are supposed to meet in the middle above another mirror.  The only way this could be more sexually strange is if the paintings and mirrors were on the ceiling above the beds.

Then we come to my room.  I warn you - my room is really pretty.  Like REALLY pretty.  Like PRINCESS pretty.  I don't even feel ashamed of it, either.  I'm always excited to show people.  Some people wake up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy.  I wake up in the morning feeling like Belle.  There are bumble bees painted in random spots on the wall.  There are little trinkets nailed against the walls, such as a small american flag and little cute doll-like thingies.  There is flowery trimming all along the top of where the ceiling and the wall meet with christmas lights intertwined in the trimming (it came with the room and I just can't find it in my heart to take it down).  There is a pipe that runs along the top of the wall... or at least you think it's a pipe until you get to the end.  It turns out it's a pretty flower.  Who woulda thunk?  Over the window, I took my old bed sheets and hung them up because there are no blinds and I felt bad for people on the other side of the street that would occasionally catch me in the middle of nakie time.  My sheets have Wall-E all over them.  It's way funnier if you stop and imagine what this looks like.

Now if that's not pretty enough for you, then check this out - there is a HUGE PINK HEADBOARD painted DIRECTLY in the wall!!  I presume that this is where the last resident's bed went, but there wasn't enough room to fit their entire bed, so they decided to paint what they couldn't fit.  It's SO pretty!  There's a beehive at the top of it like the angel or star on the top of the christmas tree.  Sadly, I don't have a bed frame, so my bed consists of a mattress in the corner of the room (with sexy red sheets).  If I had an actual, full-sized bed, I would be all up on that.

When we first moved in, we found various illegal substances within the house.  Apparently, the people that lived here before us also turned to drugs as a way of coping with the insanity found within the "funhouse."  When people first visit, they have that look on their face like, "People actually live here?..."  They appear scared, but it grows on them.

But... I only pay $250 a month (including utilities).  You gotta admit, that's pretty nice.  The location is great and we live above an ice cream store.

The point is... this'll make a great story when I'm old.