Monday, August 23, 2010

Text Messages I Send

I've recently gotten into the amusing habit of sending friends grotesque text messages.  They all involve beloved animals and terrible things that I could do to them, but then I choose to be friends with the recipient of the text message instead.  Animal rights activists rejoice, because there are dozens of little critters in the world that still live because of my friends.  Here are some samples.  I'm really proud of my work.


Text Messages



"If I had a choice between skinning a live fluffy puppy dog or being your friend, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between raping a small colony of ewoks or being your friend, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between twisting a kitten's tail off with pliers or being your friend, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between injecting baby turtles with sulfuric acid or being your friend, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between flushing a gerbil down a toilet or being your friend, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or stuffing a bowling ball up an elephant's trunk, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or eating cheetah cordon bleu, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or strapping a koala bear into an electric chair and flipping the switch, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or disguising my high voltage bug zappers as flowers that humming birds really like, I'd probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or sealing a horse's orifices shut with glue made out of its mother, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or curb-stomping a cuddly dolphin, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or impaling two porcupines with each other, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or running over a bushy-tailed squirrel with a bulldozer, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or nailing a baby penguin to a cross, I would probably be your friend."

"If I had a choice between being your friend or turning a burro into a burrito, I would probably be your friend."

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